My thoughts on life are that sometimes you just have to take a break and slow down. I was walking past a fountain surrounded by flowers, wishing that I could be like the people sitting there, who seemed to have all the time in the world, without as much of the worry and frustration as I was feeling at the time. There have been too many times recently where I've felt bad about taking a break, or worried that I should be working. Which leads me to my theories and thoughts on school.
Because of my current mood, my thoughts towards school aren't too positive at this point. I may look at the kids in class who are either sleeping, or calling out, and I think that at least I'm trying harder than they are. At least I'm not doing what they are. I've been feeling like no matter what I'm doing, it isn't good enough. There's too much work, and once I've completed the work there's more. And that if I feel it's too much now, it's really going to be bad in college. I also feel like I've had enough of high school. Most of my friends and people that I know are leaving, while I'm stuck in high school for another year. Thinking back on elementary school, middle school, and how high school has been so far I'm wondering why we all do it. I know that I don't want to be without an education, but I'm wondering what is it about school that makes me feel like this? Why do other students feel like this as well? What is it about school that makes people frustrated, depressed, wanting to give up? What is motivating us to continue? I'm motivated by the feeling that there will be something better after high school. Hopefully. I know that I'm going to end up going to a college where I can do what I like doing: painting, writing poetry, and being creative. Hopefully I'll actually get the time to do those things then. I don't hate school, I just hate feeling this way. There are some good things that come out of school. I'm glad that I'm at this school, instead of a school that is test based and text book based. There was a time where I got to do art four times a week, which was great. Another thing that is great about this school are the people in it. Without them, I'm not sure how I would keep coming back every day.
Over the course of middle school, and in high school, I have realized the different kinds of friendships. There can be friends that are stuck together, even though they have nothing in common. I'm not really sure how those work out. There are friendships where no one is benefitting from each other at all, and those are seriously lacking something. The friendship may start off young in middle school, where both people are happy, and it feels like they're helping each other. Those two best friends that seem inseparable. Alice and I always used to talk about how there are some friendships where one person may need the other, and the other may just be there. Alice used to be friends with a girl that she hung out with because the girl had money, no friends, and it was convenient for her (Alice) because any time she wanted something she could just ask the girl. Yet Alice felt bad hanging out with her, because she felt like she wasn't gaining or benefitting from hanging out with the girl.
Now I see what I want in my friends, because it's what I have. I can be myself, and they won't tell me to stop. One of my old best friends used to tell me to stop reading every time I'd pick up a book (reading is one of my passions) and she'd tell me to stop knitting whenever I was knitting (another hobby).. She'd call me a granny, or a nerd, or a book worm. And it wouldn't feel like a comfortable relationship. It may be wrong to discuss this on my blog and all. My point is that now I know what I want and like in a friendship. I like where people are all benefitting from each other, and they aren't afraid to be smart. They are smart, and not just smart, but smart smart. I feel a lot safer and more comfortable in this kind of friendship. As a group, we watch out for each other. We all want the other people in the group to eat, and will lend each other money. We realize when something is wrong, and want each other to be happy.
"Cuz we're in love I know it'll be alright" (Refuge (When It's Cold Outside) by John Legend) At the beginning of the school year, my thoughts on relationships was that I didn't want one. I felt like there was too much pain, and that I was better off being alone. My best friend used to ask me why I wanted to be alone, and why anyone would ever want to be alone? I had been in too many relationships that ended badly, or where I had felt miserable most of the time. I didn't want to be in a cage, and I didn't want to belong to anyone. Sounds a lot like Summer, from (500) Days Of Summer right? I've realized that now as well. As of now, my views on relationships have changed (obviously). My thoughts on relationships? I'm happy. Life is good.
Years ago, I read this quote on the paper attached to a teabag: "All love that has not friendship for its base, is like a mansion built upon the sand." (Upon the Sand by Ella Wheeler Wilcox) And I completely agree with it.
There are relationships where the two people have nothing in common, and based mostly around sex (yes, I'm talking about teenagers) like in the book When It Happens by Susane Colasanti: "Are relationships always this complicated? Technically, Cynthia wasn't my girlfriend. So I don't exactly consider what we had a relationship. It was all about sex. We didn't have much in common except for our mutual lust for each other. Which was fine with me, until I got sick of the emotional void." (page 11) You get the gist. This character, Tobey, had been with a girl, but not really with her. He hadn't considered it dating, they would just have sex. Yet he knew what he wanted: "something real". And over the course of the book, he (along with everyone else) is looking for that something.
My thoughts on gender and thoughts on relationships are interlaced with each other. Sometimes, gender doesn't matter. In New York, there aren't really gender roles. Boys can have long hair and skinny jeans, and girls can dress and act like boys. There are also times where a girl by spirt is stuck in a boy's body, or vise versa, like the book Luna (by Julie Anne Peters): "Luna is a gem of a book, very unique in character and style. The book outlines the life of a boy who knows he is really a girl in a boy's body. He is a Transgender." This book is about a boy named Liam, who by day is a boy, and by night is a girl named Luna. Luna/ Liam has a sister named Regan, who is the only one that knows and supports Luna. Though my brother won't read this book, it reminds me of him. Kyle and Luna don't have similar stories, but they really remind me of each other.
My incredibly beautiful brother, Kyle. A year or so ago, I used to talk with my friends Alice and Cleo about relationships, and how it doesn't always matter what body a person is in. It's just about the spirt, and how the person is. I hadn't experienced it at the time, but we used to talk about when you're in love, it doesn't matter about gender, it just matters that you're happy. And once love grabs you by the throat, it really doesn't matter then. It's 2010, in New York, and there are all kinds of things that are different. People dress differently, and act differently. There are same sex couples.. In our school, there are tons of them. Gender roles don't matter so much any more. There are tons of kinds of people. There are girly girls and the tomgirls. There are manly men and the soft, sympathetic boys (they're out there somewhere).
I know my family really influences how I am. I live mostly with my mom and my brother, and my house is like a universal home. Everyone feels welcome here, and my mom is like everyone's mom. I feel safe where I live, and with my family. I feel free to be how I am, and how I want to be. My brother is free to be how he wants to be as well. I can be how I am at my dad's as well, but I don't feel it as strongly. Not that my dad has a problem with how my brother and I are (he doesn't), I just realize more that we can be what we want to be when I'm thinking about my mom's place. Even at the begging of the school year when my mind was a mess, my mom told me: "follow your heart" and whenever I have a conflict, she will always tell me that.
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